Journal
It’s 6 am and I’ve been awake for about an hour. I dreamt and I think the dream woke me. I think it was a nightmare of sorts. Not the horrid kind involving falling or being eaten by something or whatever it is most people have nightmares about. It was about a friend, or more, it was about myself and the friend was the served as a the self I should be.
I dreamt that a good friend of mine was moving, that they were going to Boston ( why Boston I don’t know ), that they were doing so as they had freed themself of all the fetters that young men take upon themselves. They had paid off the car, the house, the credit cards. There were kids to be taken care of but they were out of the house and not much care was needed or want to raise them. My friend had just finished a Masters Degree and had done such great work on his thesis that he had been invited to study and Harvard for his Ph.D. He could go and do this without much concern for his job because he had accumulated several hundred thousand in savings.
The visit was strange. I’d not seen my friend in while, he came specifically to relate the news. He was not boasting or bragging. In fact to garner most of the information I had to ask directly. He said he came specifically to tell me of his departure because he know that we would likely not see each other again for quite some time. He wanted to relate to me that he felt some how that I had contributed to his being able to accomplish these things, and to thank me.
After some kind of bizarre emotional flash of images I woke up, breathing heavy and shaking. The dream sounds peaceful right, perhaps even good, not a nightmare? I suppose. What gets me here, what I think had me shaking is that things my friend was preparing to do are not neccesarially things that this friend would do. They are things that I value, financial freedom, an tranquil heart, the ability to relate to others their value in my own life, and high intellectualism. My friend does not chase after these goals, I do. The friend in question is one I regard very highly ( I am fortunate these days to have several of that flavor ), and I assume my minds choice of him as protagonist was no accident.
I awoke in a panic not because I don’t wish these things for that person. I do, I do very much. I awoke because I was being left behind, because all the little futures I could imagine were preparing to pick up and move out of my reach. This is, happening in my normal day to day life. The last few years have been at best squandered, and sadly so. I don’t even have any great tales of drunkin’ or drugged frenzy, of womanizing, nor of travels around the country muching off the good will of friends. I have put few books under by belt, and little to no writing. My self, the one with hopes and dreams is leaving me behind.
There maybe a few of you reading this who are a concerned for me (mostly family I suppose). Don’t be this type of realization isn’t about me being wretched, it’s about me stopping looking and realizing how wretched I’ve been. Anyway I’ve set a goal for myself to be to work by 8 am or earlier , it is approaching 7 now, so I had best be on my way. Thanks for reading.